Checking in on Depression and wellness

I don’t always want to know I am depressed.
I’ll deny it even when I feel miserable.

If I admit it to myself, I have to deal with, the hard to shake notion that” my occasional depression is a weakness of mine”.

If I admit it to others I have to deal with that, that hard to shake notion, that “my depression is a weakness’.

Or I have to deal with other people trying to fix me, or worrying, or giving me there advice on how to cheer up today.

my being depressed…. is scary.
It is the nature of those like me who manage bipolar disorder to deny our unstable moods from time to time.

But this morning, after taking a walk I realized I am feeling depressed.
Because it is difficult to tell how my bipolar disorder affected mood is sometimes, I have a series of personalized tricks to see how I am thinking.

Checking in.

“checking in” is a couple personalized tricks to catch how my mental wellness is at the present moment… at any moment.

1. social checking

I  goto  a convenience store at least once a day, to by what ever.
My normal personality is to have a short polite conversation with the cashier.
When I leave  the convenience store, I ask myself ,

• did I make  eye contact with the clerk?
• did I have my normal comfortable chit -chat?

If I  answer “no” to these two question I know I maybe becoming withdrawn…
when I am withdrawn I know that my awareness of my inner world of restless thinking is greater than being tuned in with my outside world.

Today  I made i contact and conversation, but I felt a bit uncomfortable.

2. Check in with my core.

• I check my head…
  do my thoughts seem to be swirling around,
  are my thoughts consuming, hazy,
  or taking the place of my outside perception?
• I check my  breathing…
  am I breathing from naturally from my belly or from my chest?
  Is my breathing spontaneous and fluid or does it seem choppy?

If  my thinking is “loud” and restless and my breathing choppy like today….
than I meditate, do a breathing exercise…. and assess how my mood is
When I know I am becoming withdrawn, I make interaction with others, or outside when i can.

today I am depressed….
I did some writing (journaling), resting, meditating (which is brutal when my thinking and breath are jumping around to begin with)

I affirm myself on my strength and values and acknowledge my limits and fears.

And now I am going to watch the football game on TV.

I maybe depressed tomorrow, or I may have taken enough steps to pull my mood back to stable.
and some days one just let depression run its course.

wellness management is not an exact science.
but I am aware of my health, and taking care of my health.

Arthritis Management Chart on Scribt

Since I have taken my health more seriously over the years, I have had less and less symptoms…. and pain and today Arthritis is mostly inconvenience. I do mobility exercises, Tai chi and swimming. I also ,use journaling and meditation to live with pain. I discovered with meditation that my own thoughts of anticipating and dreading pain actually make the pain worse.

The tightening of my body do to stress seems to increase symptoms. I have learned to live with my health problems and not fight them… this is a big part of my wellness management.
I have created a simple chart for Arthritis Management. The idea of charting…..

From my Post:
Pennsylvania Echoes::Arthritis and charting Health Problems.

I have come to believe that managing health conditions such as my Arthritis, in which no fix or cure exists: it is helpful to think Holistically.
That is, paying attention to not only the body, but the mind, body, environment, spirit (for those who are spiritual) as they are integral parts of us.
Arthritis physical pain begets mental stress and sometimes depression and vice versa… temperature and dampness can affect both mind and body.

previously I have posted:

arthritis-management-chart
– the PDF  is downloadable for free… click the link  above .

Update:

It is now accessible on Scribd:

View this document on Scribd

other health charts are available on the Charts tab of this blog.

World Wide Telescope Pictures

I grew up with a love of astronomy. I had often visited the planetarium at the North Museum near where I grew up.
My parents bought me a plastic “planetarium ” with a 70 watt bulb as to light up my room with the stars, when I was a kid.

Recently, I was discouraged with my attempt to
photograph the lunar Eclipse Last year.

(See the bad photo to the right)

Fortunately I have found an easier way to view pictures of the heavens.

The Microsoft Research World Wide Telescope

this is really cool astronomy Browser and it is educational, this is the kind of software that makes me feel like a kid again.
*
The video from below is from TED

some more screenshots of the “Microsoft Research World Wide Telescope browser:

The World wide Telescope is incredibly addictive for science geeks like me. Its an open source product (that means its free software as long as you follow the T&S)

one can surf the universe without leaving the office or home!

Agnosticism, After life, and my pet Cat.

To clearly understand my agnostic view point on death, one must understand that some questions and beliefs have different level of importances.
an example.

Many  Quantum Mathematicians have posed mathematical possibilities
of  parallel universes, universe with different rules than our universe, even a “multi-verse“.

There is little empirical proof in our living world or close proximities in the universe, that other universes truly exist…
…not enough to top all reasonable doubt.
Just the same, not enough empirical evidence to dismiss other universes outside our own.  So it remains a mathematical possibility.

with that said, I don’t know if  parallel universes or a multi-verse  exist.
Do I need to proclaim   one of the statements….

• I  actively believe in a  multi-verse!
• I actively do not believe in a muliti-verse!.

Well if my career was astrophysics whether I believe or not, maybe important.
For the curiosity’s sake,  the possibility is worth investigating.
However, in my   life, my world that I live in, my reality.. its not important or relevant as other belief statements…..

It is more important just to be able to say “I don’t know“.

Same goes for other supernatural questions.. As an agnostic
I do not know if consciousness leaves to another supernatural place  after death. I do not know what happens after existence.
For me, it is not as important as questions pertaining to this life or existence.
Its ok to say I don’t know, whether I suspect one way or the other or neither way.
This is not a matter of belief/disbelief  that creates ambivalence in my  life, presently.
——–

My pet cat passed away this week.
I am not concerned of beliefs of where his spirit or consciousness went after existence.
I am only concerned with remembering his existence…
he had a pretty good life.
he was a good friend.
I feel the loss.

Thats far more important and meaningful to me than metaphysical statements of beliefs or disbeliefs in an afterlife.

for these questions, and many others I answer
I don’t know…
and thats ok .

How Are You Feeling?

(left)A  greeting sent to me by a good friend sometime ago.
I have often ask  “How are you feeling”  to the people I care about….
forgetting that it is a question that sometimes makes people feel surprised or taken a back.

Why is it so difficult to say how we  feel, simply?

Are we conditioned to hide are feelings from one and other, to “Keep Are Guard up”? is it really a “weakness” to say how one feels?
Or is it a weakness in our childhood and adolescence education that we are never taught to express our feelings in simple words.

in all my schooling,  including Geometry to Calculus, History to Civics, literature and Grammar… all to make me better…
I never had a class in Emotional Literacy or Emotional Grammar.

With the amount of school kids who lash out or develop emotional problems at school age…. wouldn’t make sense to have short course on being able to express feelings in words?

I feel excited, brotherly, and confident  because I am posting   Feeling Words

I AM FEELING ________

First  Simple Feeling words:
.

afraid	curious	happy	mad
sad	conflicted	disconnected	tuned in
pleasureful	sore ( pain)	healthy	ill
alert	tired	confident	unsure
empty	peaceful	aroused	overwhelmed

.

When I say “I“  I mean the  whole of me.
Feelings Happen in our  Mind /Body / outside -world -Interaction
when I say “feel” it is the sensations   in my feet to my chest to my face; my awareness; my thinking my perception.
My Feelings are mine to feel.

Some feelings are more bodily and simple.
“I feel  exhausted… I feel panicky…I feel hungry…I feel ticklish..“

Some are more complex and connected to thinking…
e.g. “I feel cheated…I feel stigmatized…I feel old fashioned”.

Some feelings more about our outside needs…
e.g. “I feel lonely…, I feel sociable… I feel irresistibly curious“

Conflicting Feelings

Feelings often over-layer to others in a moment, and expressing emotional literacy  can reveal the depth, especially in  choice making.
example I feel:
“conflicted“, “torn“, ” choice- less”, “ambivalent“,” pulled apart”
because…
one part of me feels_________ ( because, I think…
and another  part of me feels_________ (because I think…..

Categorizing emotion for Personal Therapies

I think being able to express emotional literacy in writing or speech, is very helpful in becoming aware of feelings in gradients, before they become explosive. Emotional grammar can help with Anger management or emotional management.

1	bothered	1	busy
2	annoyed	2	stressed
3	angry	3	pressured
4	furious	4	overloaded
5	explosive	5	overwhelmed

Although each feeling is unique, it would be advantageous to become aware of the feeling of “annoyed“  or “stressed” before becoming aware of  “explosive” or “overwhelmed” , in the case of anger management or emotional management.

In my opinion, feelings or emotions are not to be rigidly categorized. but we may detect relationships such as  “feeling annoyed ” to “feeling furious“.
But all this Emotional grammar is about  our awareness.
I have often seen web pages that, try to categorize emotions in some sort of “should be” model… all the “Happy” Emotions belong together… “Negative” Emotions, “Anxiety” Emotions
categorizing feeling words is to fit a particular need.
If I were a suicide hot line worker, for example… I might be listening for pre categorized “negative” feeling words or feelings loosely attributed to Depression  from a caller because, it fits the situation.

Often enough though,  One can feel:
irritable and aroused;  sociable and anxious; happy and guilty
at the same time. loosely categorizing feelings, In my opinion, is for the purpose of suiting ones personal therapeutic needs.

A long list of feeling words can be found at:
http://eqi.org/fw.htm

Reasoning.

I am an  interaction.
my body/ my inner world of thought and memories/my outside world.

• How I interpret “Facts” (what I believe, know, perceive)  affects how I Feel.
• How I Feel affects how I interpret “Facts”.

example statement…
“I feel overloaded because, I think I have alot of work that I must complete today.”
“I Feel Worthless because, I think I didn’t complete as much work as I should have.”

from a cognitive- rational point of  view:  one  may point out that,
feeling “overloaded” or worthless” is irrational if one cannot do work that is beyond ones limits…rationally one can only do so much work.
more appropriately,
the feeling is valid, but thinking “should have been able to more work than my limits” is irrational and is therefore a thought error.

However, I believe that  writing or verbalizing emotional literacy statements such as
“I Feel_______because,    I think_______”
“I Feel_______ because,    I believe_________”

are important because,
I can become more aware of how I am:  intaking, interpreting ; assessing  formulating what is “fact” or believe….
affect and are affected by how I Feel.

The Present moment.

Feelings happen in the present moment, although our experience allow us to predict possible future feelings.

example:
“Monday morning I am going to feel stressed.”
for the purposes of ones self therapy (journaling, speaking,etc.)using emotional literacy, it would be more accurate to say:
“I believe that I will be feeling stressed on Monday morning“
or , more directly and present centered:
” I am feeling apprehensive and dreadful (now) because, I believe Monday morning.…”.
the point is being aware of the present centered or (Here and Now) feeling.

If I am to understand assess describe my reality, I must understand and describe how I feel about my reality and how I feel in my reality.

So,
How Are You Feeling?

Alan Watts talks the human game

posted at Youtube by sounds132.

….
Alan Watts speaks of  human game (of the individuality)… where he states much of our anxiety is our temporal interpretation of a “universe at play”.

….
your purpose young being is..
in not in your end,
it is not in your beginning.
anxiety is a meter of end points
,
sing your song
not the note
before the first
after the last

—Chris

….
Viewing life as a time line is a very handy thing to do.  it allows us to predict, and find casualty of events  in our modern life.
It is  the core our modern thinking, with such as topics as “progress” and cause-effect science.  we have grown up with this thinking: refined in our educational institutions.
However the past and future concern can take us away from our “here and now” being…. creating anxiety.

our most un-anxious being… is our spontaneous being where we are not concern with our time lines.