October 7, 2007 Leave a comment
Sometimes zazen (seated meditation) is stormy.
I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and i often have a scattered, withdrawn thinking behavior… a very restless mind. I have not done any meditation or self therapy for over 48 hours… So that scattered thinking process of mine was creeping in.
So within the first 15 minutes of meditation I felt pressure all over my body, like a vice grip as i emptied my mind. Perhaps my body was just that tense all along, and i wasn’t aware of it because my awareness was consumed with my thinking until i began sitting.
Broken stray thoughts invaded my meditating from time to time. A deep concentration on nothing is difficult to maintain. I lost track of time and meditated for over two and a half hours. this is a very long sit for me at once, so i was tired afterwards.
Why do i meditate, why is the relaxed concentration on nothing important? Its more than searching for concrete truth by shutting down the abstract mind., It enables be to gain back control of a thinking process that greatly aggravates my mental illness if not causes most of it.
Some thinking processes, like many other active body processes can be defense mechanic ism. walling in the true “me” In a failed attempt to protect the me, this” false ego” (the defense mechanisms) has left me compartmentalized in the past . and so meditation today has been a great help in reclaiming the whole me.