being with teardrops,machismo
October 20, 2007 Leave a comment
After roughly 25 minutes into meditative sitting, today i began to feel very sad and uncomfortable. My body was tightening as well. This can add confusion to someone new to meditation, basically physiological emotions bubble up.
The thinking mind, at least in my case, can be a cork holding back emotions. This is because, I believe, certain thinking behaviors, weaved in with more productive thinking, are mechanisms that defend me from my feelings.
This is where my past psychotherapy has become beneficial for meditation.
first i have learned awareness of my defense mechanisms, especially the ones that today serve to intrude my life.
secondly i have learned to become holistically aware of the processes of my actions,interpretations, and interactions.
Thus, I have a better feel for the process of my meditation while being within it. So when the sadness and physical discomfort came during my sitting, i was able to realize that in letting go of some defenses(my thinking behaviors): the suppressed physiolocial parts of sadess where naturally coming free. The tightness of my body was likely me trying to resist them. nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be alarmed about.
I sat and meditated with tears and sadness, I was being with my tears. This is a triumph for me. An a male who grew up machismo, I rarely cry. I have a fear of expressing certain emotions and I cant just move past it by “trying” or forcing it. It all about moving closer to just “being”.