Fearing zero, with dizziness
May 7, 2008 3 Comments
Meditation is a journey. A path Inward, where one discovers more about the inner landscapes.
Occasionally zazen is stormy, my body and thoughts feel restless. Sometimes its just a quiet sit.
Often though, (especially if I am meditating outdoors) I reach a consciousness where there are no thoughts, no sense of time, the differentiation between smell, sight and sound, seems to lessen and lessen…
And suddenly I will quick ping of fear. The total loss of self consciousness is terrifying. Just for a couple seconds.
Through the journey of my inner landscape, I learn that I do not like the loss of control. That sensations of the outside world come in during meditation, and i fear it. I fear sensing the landscape without without my thinking- minds attempt to interpret and label what I sense.
Time: “shit! how long have I been sitting here!”
and I realize “its just control… my fear of not being in control“.a couple seconds
And then I am just being with this Anxiety— a sense that swirls other sensations
it passes and meditation and journey continues.