The Past, darkly… guilt and meditation

Six inches of snow and i am walking home from work at 2 am. At 18 years old, and a big athlete at my school, i do not mind walking the streets. I’m tired though, its been along week, and on this weekend night its snowing. I’m walking…

excuse me! Can you please help me get my car out of the parking space! I have to get to work!”  its a girl i knew who graduated last year. A quiet shy girl. Strangely its is as if she doesn’t  remember me.
I say, “sure i’ll try to push your car out of the parking space“. So for 15 minutes we try to get her damn compact out of the snow and ice. no good.
Finally i say, “well i cant get enough traction in my feet to push on the car… do you live nearby? can someone come and help?” “its nearly 2:30 and i need to go.”

NO! you don’t understand!!! PLease…I CAN’T Go Back In the House!! NO! IF I WAKE THEM UP…OH..  GOD,IF.. I got To GET TO Work… I CAN’T  Go Back in my House Tonight… CANT please Just Try aGain?”

her  face, her body is trembling…terror (i remember her better now. This girl was in a charity committee in school last year)

I try for two hours with  all my strength. “Shit ! can squat 1000 lbs in the weight room but i Can’t get this car to budge!!! no one anywhere to help.“…Two hours and i couldn’t get this car out of that icy parking spot.

I can’t do it.. I don’t know what else to do“.  as i leave to head for home, she heads back to her house. Her expression was blank.
I was eighteen then. These things were very difficult. I was a big strong kid and often people wanted my help. I always wanted to to do the right thing. The right thing doesn’t always come.
Its tough for a young man,who is still a boy to understand that he cant fix everything in life. Bad things happen. And I can’t control every thing. I cant save the world.

But the powerful feelings of guilt and fear  remained with me… buried away.
This incident came up during meditation, recently. and i have a tough time letting go sometimes.
So I write and meditate, to allow these feelings from a past event out. then let go of them.


About chris
I write because I'm not good at it. I share because, writing without sharing seems empty. Thus, I write and share what I think is meaningful.

7 Responses to The Past, darkly… guilt and meditation

  1. Richard says:

    Yes, at any age too. This is the nature of life. As the Buddha discovered before he left home. Life contains pain and often meditation means being with the pain whilst ntoicing our inclination to turn the pain into suffering. It is tough, isn’t it.

  2. chris says:

    I think our nature to try to control all circumstantial out comes, may further this inclination.

  3. sulochanosho says:

    Meditation domain may melt away the pain of the past and guilt.

  4. sulochanosho says:

    The strange issue is that we just dont want ‘to go home’, we pretend and attempt with all might something else.

  5. chris says:

    as sulochanosho says:

    “Meditation domain may melt away the pain of the past and guilt”.

    I agree with this. furthermore we do something more with guilt.

    After this instance: I thought to myself (consciously or perhaps unconsciously)
    “I Should have done this….”
    “If only I did this i could have made thing alright”

    These thoughts are irrational because: I can’t change the past, and I really do not know the outcome if i was able to get her car out.

    These thoughts in reality are about my fears and my defense mechanisms.

    My feelings now, come from the here and now, a memory… the actual event is long in the past.

    Meditating now, allows me to realize these feelings of the moment, be with them,, and then let them go.

  6. The Mad Celt says:

    Chris’ Edit and reply:

    Thanks for stopping by Mad Celt. You left the Poem “UNCONCEIVED” at both my blogs.
    I think it is more appropriate at my post:

    poem For Fisher…Cafedog’s Canteen

    my post on another incident on violence.
    Thanks again.

  7. Jack Payne says:

    It’s wise to look ahead, but difficult to look further than you can see. This is a a wisdom-filled proverb I have always thought.

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