The Past, darkly… guilt and meditation
July 5, 2008 7 Comments
Six inches of snow and i am walking home from work at 2 am. At 18 years old, and a big athlete at my school, i do not mind walking the streets. I’m tired though, its been along week, and on this weekend night its snowing. I’m walking…
“excuse me! Can you please help me get my car out of the parking space! I have to get to work!” its a girl i knew who graduated last year. A quiet shy girl. Strangely its is as if she doesn’t remember me.
I say, “sure i’ll try to push your car out of the parking space“. So for 15 minutes we try to get her damn compact out of the snow and ice. no good.
Finally i say, “well i cant get enough traction in my feet to push on the car… do you live nearby? can someone come and help?” “its nearly 2:30 and i need to go.”
“NO! you don’t understand!!! PLease…I CAN’T Go Back In the House!! NO! IF I WAKE THEM UP…OH.. GOD,IF.. I got To GET TO Work… I CAN’T Go Back in my House Tonight… CANT please Just Try aGain?”
her face, her body is trembling…terror (i remember her better now. This girl was in a charity committee in school last year)
I try for two hours with all my strength. “Shit ! can squat 1000 lbs in the weight room but i Can’t get this car to budge!!! no one anywhere to help.“…Two hours and i couldn’t get this car out of that icy parking spot.
“I can’t do it.. I don’t know what else to do“. as i leave to head for home, she heads back to her house. Her expression was blank.
I was eighteen then. These things were very difficult. I was a big strong kid and often people wanted my help. I always wanted to to do the right thing. The right thing doesn’t always come.
Its tough for a young man,who is still a boy to understand that he cant fix everything in life. Bad things happen. And I can’t control every thing. I cant save the world.
But the powerful feelings of guilt and fear remained with me… buried away.
This incident came up during meditation, recently. and i have a tough time letting go sometimes.
So I write and meditate, to allow these feelings from a past event out. then let go of them.